Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.