Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Brands during Pride
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Netflix and you sit over there.