Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Every work call, he judges.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
OH. COME. ON.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.