Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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I have never related to anyone more.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album