Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?