Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece