Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.