Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
This kid is a star!
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*