Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

Can you solve the riddle??

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.