Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our lord and savoury.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.