nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
no way 😭
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.