nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
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Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.