Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

“Wait, let me explain..”

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me