Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

ㅤ

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

Limited budget

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.