Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

(by @ZachWeiner )

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC