Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.