Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

Just me?

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Oddly specific

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Florida man

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

I need better friends

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.