Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.