Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
This could be us but you eatin’
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.