Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie