Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”