Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for