Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Watson was Holmes schooled
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does