It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.