@WryBry

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

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@Contwixt

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

@DriftLight

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

@heyitsJudeD

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

@KarlreMarks

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

@Jenny4ashley

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

@cryptomanran

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

@bombsydoll

Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.