Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Xylophonist Shredding It

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.