Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
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I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team