Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Camel dough

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

Respect

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.