Nobody lures you into a gingerbread house in the forest anymore.
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.