Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”