Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

😂 amazing answer

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me