Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.