Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.