Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.