Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

No one:

London landlords:

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Phones down.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.