Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

bad news gang

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

much to think about

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”