Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal