NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
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“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
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“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?