NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
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Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”