Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
You Might Also Like
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Look lady I don’t need yours or anybody’s help in looking foolish okay?
coronavirus has made us go from saying “ok boomer” to “are you ok boomer?”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*walks in stumbling*
Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!?
“Just a couple shots”
Oh that’s not bad then
*flashback to Paul injecting heroin*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
*Dating a Jealous dude*
Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone