NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
gender is a sprctrum
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*