NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.