NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.