Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

life lately

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Brands during Pride

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?