NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time