Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

*gets down on one knee*