Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.