Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
@ candidates for local office
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
When someone trying to leave me
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right