Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Great game to play with friends
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
