Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
What a website
