nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
This made me chuckle.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle