Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.