Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it