Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.