nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct