Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Is your wife single?

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

Great game to play with friends

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

This is the coolest video you will see today.