Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

I’m not stressed

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Can’t. Being lazy.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice