nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
weddings should have a worst man
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”