nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
You Might Also Like
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
spicy snake
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd