Nobody notices how sad you are until it turns into anger and you’re feeding them into a wood chipper

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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave


Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke


My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.



cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston


My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”


I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.


If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”


Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.


I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.