Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”