Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.