Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
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Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship