@Caissie

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

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@jonnysun

CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan

@Hormonella

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

@MissHavisham

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

@daddydoubts

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

@JermHimselfish

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

@SpenceDen

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

@mela_shea

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*