Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please