If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
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Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Danger is very dangerous
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked