Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

🤭

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here