Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

I’m confused about plants

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on