Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.