Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Good morning
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon