Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.