Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*