Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”