Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
the world’s most popular steaming services
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.