Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

😂👽

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.