Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Raisins are grape jerky.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*