Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
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when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down